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stole these from![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) princesskaitlyn
i agree with most of the following but there are a couple missing, maybe i'll sink to the level of describing them at some point.
The Perfect Dump -
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting
the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not
the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are
in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers.
it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom
for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat
shield.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in
your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you
must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest
full roll.
The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes
your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when
the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta
do.
The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically
there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump - You
feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds
you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when
you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump
- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to
use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging
like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors. The Houdini Dump - You go, then you
stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight?
Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile
at the next person who comes in.
The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't
create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the
end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two
choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after
it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and
you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your
hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but
seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like
childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
7 Reasons why you don't mess with Kids
Dear people,
If you are a parent you might learn from this ;)
little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a
beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She
looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little
girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's
dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A
little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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excited